Eeeee I havent been posting the weekly updates again because I have been busy moving to my new house. Surprisingly motivated with unpacking (not so much the packing). I love the new house. The rooms are much better sized and although it is a double storey thing which is slightly annoying but there's also good things about it being two floors I guess? More space and I dont have to be harassed by the washing machine and we have sofas and a dining table and everything is just pretty. It will be even better in summer because then it will be warm and I can study downstairs facing the backyard and it's like only $5 more than the previous rent and we are not renting from cunts that will kick us out those cunts.
Next Sunday we are having a housewarming and inviting everybody (non-enemies). I wish Yiting and Minquan and Yifeng and Kangli and Giang can be here tho because we celebrate all these shits together. I think... because we talk so much less now, it's like my life in Aussie is something of a... story? to them? Like, things that you see online but will never get to experience, or something like that, like my house is not real, my school is not real, my struggles with food cravings are not real. Sometimes I feel like that about them too because I dont understand what they are studying, can't picture the places they are going, dont get what they like or don't like doing any more because our experiences in life have diverged so much. But as I have drifted from my friends, I have gotten closer to Frenchie. Sometimes I feel guilty, like I have swapped them out for him but in fact, it is not like that at all. It's just that... You can force your boyfriend to be with you but you can't force your friends to go out of their way for you unless they suggest it themselves? Like, you can't tell them to fly to you just because you're lonely? There's just a limit as to how much you can ask of your friends, for me at least. I would feel like I was a burden and inconsiderate if i even think about asking them to drop everything they're doing to be with me. It's just not... allowed. But with Frenchie it's ok because if he can't do this for me then how can i spend my whole life with him? That's just logical ok. Gots to earn the right to be with me isn't it. But friends dont got to because I will always be their friend no matter what (unless they become a cunt?)
I spoke to Yiting from 9pm to 5am on the phone that day and it was so satisfying although it totally fucked up my sleep cycle. I miss her so much and I wish we would never grow up but that's a selfish thought because I can't help that my life is also constantly diverging from hers. I miss the weekends we used to have, lazy sunny warm quiet calm still weekends with all the work ahead and none of the guilt not doing it (only minquan would be doing it, and also masturbating). And happy, happy, happy. It's different now and I am sad about it and I miss it a lot. Life is not bad now, it is necessary, but it was perfect then. It's as if there was a perfectly circular hole in the perfection then, and then I tried to seal it by coming to vet school and then everything else in that perfect sphere just started disintegrating, become porous, like my brain is losing some memories of those times and not making new ones. Rawr, do not like. Can't wait to see everybody when I'm back
♥ Wednesday, 29 March 2017
On monday my agent emailed us that our current house owner doesnt want to extend the contract because they have plans of moving into this house. Our agent only just found out shortly before she told us because previously she had been asking us if we wanted to extend the contract and then when she got back to the owners that we did, they said they didnt and that they had plans of moving into this house. It was really stressing me out because I have my mid sems and drug calculations exams on the horizons and maria and i should find a house before 19 may which is when our contract ends and also the internet needs to be set up in the new house again and the thing that i couldnt get over the most was that the lights in the living room was spoilt and we asked the owner where we could possibly buy the light from and she was so unhelpful and so we are getting an electrician but even after we get this repaired it is not even going to benefit us, but them and them only. When we asked the owner how come this house doesnt have any internet port all she could say was that she didnt know either and it was so frustrating but we got it fixed up and maria and i refuse to let them benefit from it so before we move i am going to use pliers to destroy the port (because it "didnt come with the house". we got it installed under the approval of the agent. if the owners want one they can go find one themselves or they can try their fucking best to repair it but i am going to ruin it.) I am filled with anger and frustration because the reason why we moved in was because we had time in december and i didnt want to have to rush to find another house but here we are. I had a sleepless night last night. I know it is such a small problem actually but just angered isnt it. The owners are such jerks. Frenchie told me stories the whole night to help me sleep and then he told me it will all be okay in the end which calmed me down a bit more. I know it is going to be okay but maybe it's because of dragon's influence i can't help but be a bunch of nerves when things dont go according to plan. This morning i was still feeling a bit down so i decided to just be lazy and watch Running man and now i feel a whole lot better. This is such a stupid post but like, Running man has helped me through a lot of shit? Like i just sit there for an hour and a half and forget all my problems and after that they seem so much smaller. I am actually very grateful to them and i hope they dont break up ever. (pls i am not pathetic because i like running man, i am not ok)
Anyway, I feel much better now. At first i was full of hatred and vengeance but now i think the only viable thing to do is to ruin the internet port but beyond that there's not much i can do. At least I can look foward to frenchie coming in three weeks and even if we run out of time to do all the fun things we want to do i will still get an endless supply of cuddles and headpats and maskages. Also looking foward to getting 100% on my next vet375 test and also cattle prac in 30 mins. I have all these nice things that so many people will never have (such as the cunts who have ever crossed me) and it makes me feel better. Three weeks more before i see frenchie and i dont even have that many things to pack i think. We'll get movers anyway. Adulting.
Oh oh, and i forgot to mention that i am also going for this canine acupuncture talk next thursday (as the audience onlyyyyy) and i am slightly excited by it.
♥ Monday, 27 March 2017
I told myself i was going to write something by the end of this study break so here i am, making myself write something. I actually tried on tuesday but then some inner voice told me i had nothing interesting to tell the world so then i was like, how about a diary entry and then the inner voice was like nah. But here i am, i am here. To write so i can capture the remnants of the last few months in a thousand words before they fade from my memory.
Frenchie came to Singapore like early december i think? We went to the police station together because apparently his mother had gone to this other branch (police station) to lodge a complaint to say that she lost who only knows how much worth of untold riches. Apparently the police officer said she didnt even say it was me? Some cunt from Singapore thought he or she was helping an old woman in need. Please. Whoever that person who brought her to the police station was, I hope they fucking broke both of their legs and are bedridden for life for having brought her there. Anyway then after that we had satay at bedok and then frenchie used a staple bullet he picked up from the floor of the 7-11 to unlock the sim card compartment then i was impressed. NOT IMPRESSED BY HIS LINEAGE THO.
And then he went back to (we told dragon and basilisk he went back to attend a talk) but he went to buy a house with ali and mother. I just didnt want to tell them the truth because i feel like it would be easily misconstrued as a scam or something because like, out of nowhere buy a house? I think it was ali's idea. Anyway, his share of it came from the supposed inheritance his father left him. I honestly dont care for the money even though basilisk says i should because that's the backup plan for financial woes in the future. But honestly I dont care for it. It is sad money. That's how I have always felt about it. Even if it came into his/our possession, I wouldnt use it to buy a house or anything. That money would be saved for our kids' education. Likewise for whatever money dragon and basilisk gives to me, if they give me any. I want to spend my own money, and frenchie's money which is also my money and i dont want to touch anybody else's money after i have a job. Like, i will try my best to be self-sufficient and then i will feel better because i have been spending dragon's and basilisk's money for too long. Time to spend frenchie's money. :D the money that frenchie makes. Frenchie's money. I spend it.
We quarrelled a bit while he was in singapore. I dont know if it is the stress of living with my family that stresses me out, or stresses us both out. I'm... I care about what my parents think about him and i think he does too. We both care a lot. And it has been stressful. I hate quarrelling. Not just with frenchie but with anybody else. Like, I feel this uncontrollable rage inside. It is the remnants of the crisis. Like, i feel like i never want to be nice to anybody else again because the last time i was nice i was hurt so much. Never again, never again you cunts. But when i am not in that zone, like right now, I can see that there is so much good in this world. Belgium is a good friend. We are like, so different but i never want to stop being friends. This friendship is of a very strange nature and when i compare it to my friendships with yiting and minquan and yifeng and kangli and giang and everybody else i met when i was in school, it really does have a distinctly different nature to it. It feels almost like... an adult friendship, you know, it almost reeks of convenience if not for the fact that i genuinely like him as a friend and he is so funny and i wish we can meet in a nursing home one day, something like that. And also I know everybody loves me so much. I know Yiting especially, but everybody else too, I know they're not very good at... trying to get to reclusive me. I am slightly socially reclusive and emotionally guarded and slightly unstable is how I sum up my current mental state. I am not the me I was before, that is true. I wish I could take happiness for granted like I did before. I am recovering and i am trying to be who i was. Trying to "unfuck myself", if you will. I think so far it is going okay. I'm still quite emotionally shy, and i have nothing good to tell my friends, no material to inspire them yet. I think frenchie is getting better at dealing with my episodes. I love him more and more everyday and i feel his love so much everyday also. I quarrel with frenchie a lot but we also have such nice times together. He is a different kind of best friend. In a way I also grew up with him and he feels familiar and in an inexplicable way he also feels like home. No matter how hard it is, we will work a life out for ourselves. A normal, happy, stable, loving life that will never ever be any kind of boring. And if we get bored i shall ask frenchie to buy me cheesecake so i can throw it at him.
We went to the zoo while he was in Singapore. And the bird park. And the night safari. And the river safari. And we had fun. I saw a lot of animals I liked but i dont think they liked me because i was just a visitor and another hindrance to their lives. Maybe if i worked there they might like me. Not sure. I like so many of them but I really like the Gharial. He is so cute. But if i was in the water and this one is beside me i would rather die. It exists quite happily with a turtle tho, who never gets to eat shit and keeps getting stepped on.
Anyway, I'm now in Perth and living at a new place with Saria Mow and we are both quite happy over here. The place is quiet and there are no cunts in our lives in this house and we both like each other and we can rescue each other from our respective feared insects. School is fine also. I am more motivated (and stressed but it is quite a nice kind of stress, the kind that's nipping at your heels so you cant stop running kind of stress) this year than last year. I'm trying my best with the units i am taking this semester but i need to fit in some time to do the farm report. I really have to. maybe i'll just go back for one week this semester break. one week doing farm prac then two weeks doing the farm report then one week just spending time with my family and meeting my friends then back to school again. Just realised I only have one unit to do next sem. It's a six point unit but still. I really should go volunteer my time next semester at a shelter or something. I said this semester but I guess not. Even with just two units, they are the hard ones (i did the easier ones last year) and also with the farm report, i really think not this sem. I am having less crisis though and being truly productive. I only had one crisis ever since I came back and that is a good record for me. I think because of all this crisis frenchie has become a more understanding and gentle and loving person. I feel very loved actually.
I feel like I have aged. My parents are giving me space. My friends are also giving me space, or i am giving them space ( i have to, because i can feel my toxicity and uninspirational self seeping out). I feel like, i'm being given free rein to carve my life and thoughts and happiness out for myself, and the choice to decide. I feel stronger but i also feel older. Before I was less wise but so sure of everything but now i feel wiser and uncertain but also more optimistic and determined. I will be happy. I will be my own person. I had this huge trauma and i felt alienated from myself but i am going to reclaim it isnt it. I am me and i am the embodiment of so many reasons to be loved. *headpat for myself*
Also, I am going to either blog every week, or if that is truly impossible then every study break at least (that's like, once every three weeks). This is for me.
♥ Wednesday, 30 November 2016
This is a reply to womb (whose identity i haven't found out, but hoping it is Gordon Ramsay):
I thought you were Frenchie!!! Like in your first post I thought it was Frenchie angered at me having done those things. And then in the second post it just didnt sound right to me so i asked him and he said it wasn't him (also, he said whoever you are, he doesn't like you already. I didn't say. Is he said so if you are upset take it out on him, none of my business, is not meeeee)
My room is very messy right now because it's the end of the semester and we have to move out of our rooms, or pay for storage over summer and move back into this shit hole. I'm moving out to a new house with Maria Sow/ Saria Mow. So happy!! No more shithole. No more nasty kitchen. I have two rooms all to myself (since Saria took the much bigger room, but i really prefer my two rooms), one of which will be a bedroom and one a study and it is just making me so happy. Currently in the process of moving and I'm still staying at shithole for a few more days for internet and for the lack of motivation to clean my room and check out of here and i really wanted to be in a quiet zen place free of clutter to write this reply to your comment but because of the kind of person i am (the kind that finds it hard to move their ass even when fucking. like i hate being on top. being on top is so much effort and it doesnt feel as nice. amirite? raise your hands if you have been personally victimized from being on top). Therefore, i have found a solution, which is to turn off all the lights and write this reply in the dark so i wont make eye contact with the mess that is my room (rightfully so anyway, since many wars have been waged in my room).
OK, firstly, it is true I do have to grow up and learn how to handle my feelings. That much is true. As a kid I... never really learned how to handle them (handling feelings and hiding feelings are two different things. And surprisingly I did hide mine quite well). Maybe it has to do with being an only child (so all those snide " i can tell you are an only child" comments from the annoying teachers were true after all. but fuck them nonetheless, totally unnecessary. like, so i am a brat, tell me in my face instead of making some lightly veiled comment that changes nothing?). More often than not, I usually got my way (when i dont get my way then the anger just boils and subsequently implodes at a rate of about once or twice a year, probably because there isnt any younger sibling to fuck up my life? I dont know. Bottomline is I never handled my feelings well at all. One time when i was in primary four, i threw my pencilcase across the room at Sideeq because he just ruined my correction tape and told me to deal with it. Like dafuq because he wasnt even apologetic? Obviously I have already forgiven him (although we were never the kind of personalities that could be friends forever and ever because mehhhhhh. Kangli liked him before though, and because of this incident with him I will always think he is her worst choice even though there were also others like Lionel who was smelly, but not an asshole like that). Anyway, i was just stating an example about how bad my track record of feelings-handling is. So it comes as no surprise this has been the worst episode I have had to handle yet. Without going into details, i shall sum up the awry times as me having "crisises" (ya i know it is crises but i like crisises), and it went as far as to spiral into "breakdowns" with "hyperventilation", "fainting" and i have also turned "violent" at some points. (Writing all these words down just made me cry. I need a moment.)
Also i would like to add it made me "turn away from who I loved the most, and the people who loved me", and that it made me "unwilling" and "numb".
Ok, composure composure.
If we are friends (BUT WHO ARE YOU), then i understand why you're angered at seeing me unhappy. Actually I'm not unhappy, i'm really sort of between numb due to confusion so better to be numb so i don't have to take a step in case it is the wrong step, and slightly happy because... explain later. anyway, what i'm trying to say is i am still in the phase of finding my footing for now. Because well, my life has been turned around completely, but with the way my life is, i can't say i am totally surprised. I just have to learn to deal with it somehow,and get used to it, and like you said, grow up isn't it?
(Or maybe I dont even know you and you're just like one of the audience members on Dr Phil or Maury or the Jeremy Kyle show who go oooooh and then when given the microphone, you go, girl, you need to get your priorities straight. Something like that. Maybe. I dont know)
But fundamentally though, as much as I appreciate and understand your concern, you are wrong. You're saying because he "didn't do a proper closure" so he doesn't love me? I, for one, have personally tested the love (and somebody's patience and breaking point) myself more than... more than the number of eggs I have consumed my whole life. Including the ebiko on the sushi. If there was anybody who was indignant at not having been given "closure", it is me, trust me. But the reason why closure was not given wasn't due to the lack of love, I have now found out, but simply, (wait for it) simply because of SHEER STUPIDITY. I have never ever met somebody as obtuse as this mofo who is so fucking completely clueless at dealing with other people's emotions? Like is everything REALLY so grey??? Some things are more black and white than he can ever fathom and I am trying my best to hammer this into his head. And the reason why I put up with the period of... being "fucked over and left hurting" was because in a way, i understood the pain of hurting someone else who cares about you and once loved you because I have done the same (did I never elaborate? not sure, I must have though), and really, at that time I thought we were two snakes, like we were betraying and hurting people we were supposed to be with, and being gleeful when we were with each other and god forbid that he should try to be less of a snake than i was (in the end he was worse though. but at first i thought i was the worse one, the more ruthless one. but we were both wrong to degrees that i find incalculable. maybe only i cannot calculate but you can. if i was a spectator i surely can. because 当局者迷，旁观者莫 in this case. but since i am embroiled in this whole saga, and influenced by my own emotions, i would have to say the exact value of this fault is greyer than i would normally perceive)
It is not I who "refused to "give up" the "perfect love story" of my life", I simply have tried (or the pessimistic voices in my head have) for countless, countless of times. One time in a particularly depressed state, i had a quarrel, which i allowed to escalate into a break up and a break down (without going into details, I would like to tell you that it was about a fart. An un-prewarned fart.) and obviously he didnt want a break up (why would he, he loves me so much (like we have established in the previous paragraph, so just accept it as fact that he loves me so much. no, i am not lying to myself but if you were me, you would see it even more clearly because... rationality) so he tried to tell me to get a grip but obviously i wont be told what to do, and when his rationality breaks down it turns to frustration and desperation which unfortunately for him (and our relationship's communication skill levels) translates into anger and denial. So i was driving and crying (as is common in breakdowns) and he was telling me if i wanted him to leave i would have to drive him to the airport and he wouldnt leave otherwise but i didnt want to because i hate goodbyes in airports, hate. I just didnt want to be in this situation and i just wanted everything to go away so i can be calm and numb. So through all the tears i kept telling him no i wouldnt be sending him to the airport i would get him a cab but would he please just leave. But then we were stuck in a traffic jam because i took a wrong turn and the breakdown somehow miraculously escalated and at some point i think his anger just gave way to fear, that i might actually be so affected after driving him to the airport (at first we were driving home to collect the luggage then i eventually said i would drive him to the airport because he was so relentlessly hounding me) that i might crash and then it wouldnt just be him losing me, but the world losing me and i think at that point fear took over and he agreed to go to the airport by himself and just, we were both crying and in so much pain. (You would either think this paragraph was bullshit or you would be affected by it, but for me, i just would never forget the poignancy of this pain. At that time it felt so bad but every time i need to reference our love, this moment always comes back to me, this pain of losing each other. There have been worse times, but this is one of the worst already and also because it was because of such a ridiculous (but still bothering!!!) reasons, it is a nice memory in a way. IN A SICK AND TWISTED WAY MAYBE. (ignore the caps, it's like, just my inner voice reprimanding me))
So like, to conclude that part, i have tried breaking up many times and we only got closer after every time. (so twisted really, but i am not surprised). I am in no way under the impression that it is a perfect love story. A SOAP OPERA MAYBE. More opera than Teochew opera. Sometimes i tend to gravitate towards wanting to see our relationship as a normal one, like it is nothing, like i could give it up whenever i want to and i could be like a normal every other person who changes a boyfriend every other week. This sometimes makes me feel better because it makes me feel numb but it is heartbreaking for him and if i were someone who can "handle my feelings" well, then i would not be so asshole to think like that more than once (more than fifty times is more accurate). Like honestly, he has given me so much (time, patience and money. moneyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. and love.) and so much of himself (like i am convinced if we were to break up, we would both lose a huge part of ourselves, then after an indefinite period of time and maybe even some divorces, then we would still find each other again, much to the disapproval of people who disapprove) and if you have given someone all of you, you would not want the person to think they can and will throw you away ever. The reality is I probably can (can not in a sense that i can be okay, but i would probably be forgiven and still loved) but I will not. I love him. He is the person i want to spend my life with (even though he will still be rejected on the first proposal cos cannot go back on my advice to kangli because face value), like we have even made life plans (we found time between quarreling, surprise surprise) despite probably having the record number of quarrels of any heterosexual couple who still want to be together forever. And like, this time it's not just talk but i really mean it. Like he is a bitchy little slightly pretentious little with a fucking skull thicker than a mother fucking BBC but still. He's mine and I love him. * omg imma make myself cry *
Also also, to wrap this thing up, I do sometimes feel like a waste of space. Because i'm in the numb from confusion and afraid to take a wrong step phase. But it really is just a phase, which sometimes i feel like is a waste of time, but inevitable. It's part of learning i guess, and this problem is just a bit bigger than the rest I have ever encountered, so it is taking a bit longer for me. And like, the waste of space feeling stems from not doing anything concrete. But once I am out of this phase then I will not be the waste of space any more. Because I would be happy and well-balanced (well, as much as i can possibly be anyway) and make decisive, concrete, good decisions. The both of us would. :)
Ok anyway, thanks for your time. I enjoyed writing this, kind of, so thank you.
♥ Saturday, 13 August 2016
Eeee I'm writing this post because i just read this thing from Humans of New York and this guy he has PTSD and he described his angry episodes and how therapy has worked for him and his angry episodes sound just like mine. I mean, just like mine. I have been thinking about writing for a very very long time, but whenever I wanted to start writing there was this fear inside of me, either i was afraid to trigger another episode, or I just felt dejected, like somehow I suspected even writing wouldnt help. Also, i was afraid of my friends and parents or whatever finding out about my problems. But deep down I know I have this pact with writing, it is that I must never write for an audience but for myself only. I wanted to write in my diary because I didnt want to involve anybody else in my problems. I dont want help, I dont want advice. I know, I really know that no amount of advice will help me and that only I can help myself. Well, maybe and Frenchie since he is the root of the problem. The reason why I didnt write in my diary is because I didnt want to face myself. Writing in the diary is different from writing on here. Here i just spew out every thought that comes to mind but writing in my diary is for when i have real solid advice to give myself which i dont at the moment.
Anyway, I'm writing because writing is cheap therapy. If not I might have to speak to Nicolas and I dont want that. or maybe i have to speak to a real therapist i dont know.
I get these episodes where i am really really angry at Frenchie, like he is everything wrong in my life (which honestly there is some truth to, really) . Like when i think about us, I think about everything he has ever shared with her. I think sometimes I am jealous of her, even though she has depression and boring (i can so totally imagine) but they got to live together just because of the luck of geography, and do normal couple things, like date. For some reason it hurts me immensely when I know it shouldnt. Frenchie loves me and it is as good and true and deep as I always dreamed it would be and I know because... because of everything. But ironically I never knew it as surely as when he said we didnt have to put any labels on our relationship, that I should just do whatever needs to be done for myself, be it date other people or just... anything really. I knew then that he loves me plain as day, unreasonably and come what may because I was the same way when I told him in London that we should just be friends and I will always be his friend.
Today the police visited my house in Singapore asking for me and said they had new clues into the jewellery theft case (which mother fucking filed against me, cunt bitch i will never ever see her face again, omg i am done with being a humane person with humanity. I dont want her in my life at all. I dont even want Frenchie to be in contact with her if ever one day we get married. The best case scenario would be if she died before we got married, then he wouldnt have to make the choice, if not i dont think i would ever marry him if there was even the slightest chance of ever seeing her face again. There I have said it and i will stop pretending otherwise or talk myself out of it forever. It is more worthwhile to keep a pet than to keep her and in honour of replacing her I will adopt another pet in the future to make up for the karma that will inescapably strike me) . His association to her is part of the problems in my life, and I dont want to see her anywhere in my future or present. Even on skype I cant help but hate seeing her face. It doesnt matter to me anymore whether or not she likes me because even if she does she would hate me the moment I didnt do everything she wants me to do, and I was not raised to listen to someone else. That cunt can fuck off in a drain somewhere. She made his dad commit suicide because she didnt let him see his son, why shouldnt she have the same fate. There I have said it. Cunt. Waste of space cunt. I hate her more than I hate Tridevi Chakma because tridevi is not a truly bad person, she just got cheated and she is weak and she was hurt. But she is also a waste of space though. Boring people and people working in banks are a waste of space. Sorry. You can only be either one of the two. Not both and certainly not compounded with fakeness. But but sometimes I am also jealous of her, but it is for the smallest things, like just because she is self-sufficient and has a job and a place to live and a schedule to live by even though she seems to hate everybody she touches and is fake. And fat. Even though she does a lot of swing dancing. I will never do swing dancing. Some irrational part of me just despises it, firstly because it looks like a set of very bogan movements which certainly should not be done by someone with thick thighs( like her) , and secondly because I think it makes you fat since a lot of the girls in the video are kind of fat, or the movements make them fat. But the ultimate reason why I will not swing dance is because I have no rhythm. That is the absolute truth and I cannot move my body to music. Except when alone in the room and sometimes in front of Frenchie because he is worse than me.
Another part of the problem is that geography and time zones is against us and I miss him and I dont want to and i just have to put two and two together to realise that if i dont have him then i wont miss him and that's why i want to break up. Part of me knows that he really loves me though.and even though I dont know how, somewhere along the way I lost the very first prototype of the love I had for him ( it is irrevocably changed into something I cannot recognise, I'm not totally sure right now if it is love, but it is a mutant for sure), I... Ok, 1. i dont want to lose this love, even if he says it is not going anywhere which i believe because I really dont think he can recover from loving me, but like, I physically dont want to lose it, i want to keep it with me forever and drink from it (rather than leave it alone and nobody drinks from it right, because it was meant for me and i will take it because the bargain hunter in me wont let this go ya okay i've said it) 2. It hurts me to hurt him. It is not pity. It just physically hurts me to hurt him. 3. Also because I dont know if I can take it if I lose Frenchie (ok, there, I've also said it) because then the loneliness and how stupid I am, and the knowledge of how there will be no truer love out there will eat at me. Well maybe there is but I dont trust those people.
So to my dad, I just want to say that even though Frenchie came to Aussie, and he lied to you, it was because of me, because your daughter needed it and I am learning but nobody can help me except him, and myself. But dont you feel like he needs to feel my wrath? Like why should I deal with my wrath alone, think about it, he deserves. In fact he signed up for it for his whole life and if I am not okay, why should I be not okay alone, why not just drag it to the one who caused it in the first place, implicate him in my shit, why not. I feel no remorse though. I'm sorry I had to lie but I'm not sorry I lied.
Another thing is, I dont really care about his finances but I care about his finances. I dont really care how many times he has to fly to me, because every time we spend more and more time together I understand him and the whole situation better, even though it may not seem like it but the haze dissipates a bit more every time. Physically being there accelerates the healing process. It makes it seem like I have something real that could go on for ten years or maybe more ( but honestly the furthest I can see is ten years, anything beyond is impossible for me, I dont even see myself alive in the next 20 years) So I dont really care about this money that he spends. I just take it for granted and it should just always be available because what could be more important. But on the other hand i care about his financs because if they are not stable he cannot move away from the cunt, he cannot eat properly or have the money to buy like, a new comp or get it fixed at least and all this affects me also because I care for this... this creature with utmost inaptitude. and who is unlucky enough that his mom is still alive and he cannot inherit the money from all the sad times of his father's suicide (ok, I've said it also)
In conclusion, I want to say that I'm only 22 why the hell am I dealing with this, like I should be out partying and doing dangerous activities like getting drunk and coming home at 4am but not smoking weed and shit because that's not how I roll, pun not intended. but partying and drinking is also not how i roll though. i dont know, what do people do in aussie, horse-riding? I'm only 22 i should be horse riding. ah, whatever we can stick with that. I dont like dealing with shit. I disown this shit. He should go solve all his problems by himself and I am not going to bother myself with it any more. but that cunt better not bother my family. motherfucker i really cannot stand anyone who bothers my family i want to choke them until i see the light flicker shut in their eyes. which that cunt accused me of doing and i should have but i didnt. she better not let me see her again.
♥ Monday, 15 February 2016
YA YA so Chekhov is an artist and I am a blogger, so what!
This is the first post I am writing after all the crazy crazy events that have happened and honestly, it hasnt been easy just coming to terms with everything and it is taking courage (somewhat) to even just write these things down.
Last year has been... the absolute shit. First time I failed a module in vet (i think by 4 marks? or 5, dont remember) but then i passed after the supplementary exam, in the first semester. It was the anatomy of muscles which up till today i still find confusing but it is getting a bit better now. Second semester I failed anatomy again, by 4 marks. It was about the anatomy of the stomach and ears and eyes and all that and i was allowed to take the supp exam too but that's another story why I didnt. Academics-wise, those were the shitty parts of last year. Oh, and also the animal handling exam where after the retest, Michael something says he will be watching me this year. thanks michael. *sarcasm* (Sigh, he asked me if i was having problems in life last year, omg, how i wanted to just vomit every piece of terrible thing and unload all my problems on him and see how he can take it)
At the beginning of last year, I discovered feelings. Feelings are a terrible, terrible, terrible thing. Worse than being punched or slapped or kicked or anything in the whole wide world. I mean, they are terrible when you never realised that they were there in the beginning and when you finally do it seems like it is all too late and that all is hopeless now. That's the worst. You can love the oceans and the breeze in your hair and the taste of curry, but to love someone, suddenly you love a certain time and a certain place, certain words, certain sounds and to think all of that hopeless. I was actually prepared to not tell him fifteen, twenty, thirty years. I know I cannot die without ever telling him that for once in my life I held such a strong intense love in my heart and it was because of him. If he never felt the same way, I dont want to startle him. But he did. Oh I was so happy. But... I'm not supposed to. We. We shouldnt have. But we did. Sigh. I think it was both courage and weakness at the same time to believe in us.
I cant explain my train of thought exactly but I think I really really wanted to know what they had. Now I realise I couldnt have truly known, he is right, no two relationships are the same. And if I had to put a name to him, then he is my first true love. I have never, ever, felt anything as intense. It is almost unreasonable. If I had to describe this feeling, it feels like... the crack of a thousand whips, the flare of a hundred suns, some unseen force that can move mountains, part seas, and yet be as still and gentle and wide-eyed and hurt and vulnerable as a baby dove. I dont know what this is. It must be magic or something. Or maybe this is just life, and life is just like this, super bitter and super sweet, super intense, super mysterious, just like I always expected it to be, but woah when it really happens. It would be wonderful if we could be together right now, but maybe this is our fate to be tested. I never believed in fate and I always thought that we were all masters of our own fate. But now I think our fates depend on so many things. Mine already depends on him. Where life leads me, he will surely be a big part of that decision, and his decisions will surely affect mine.
(This is totally unrelated but writing this just made me bite the nails off all my fingers wtf)
Ive made a lot of mistakes with feelings this year. The feelings were correctly placed, yes. I love him, that is for sure. But to try and substitute one person for another is wrong. And I finally realise how much of a weak human being I am. How could I have done that when I have always always always told myself to be logical (yaaaa, and how I have failed :( ) and good and to do the right things. Feelings dont allow any of this to happen. Feelings say, feel, just feel, feel boldly, shamelessly even, do do do, be. I'm not sorry. Even with the way things have turned out ( even if they turned out worse), I am not sorry. Not. Sorry. I am sad, maybe, sometimes, although i try to suppress the outward expression of it. But i am not sorry. I ask for forgiveness constantly but in my heart I really actually dont think I am wrong. All the broken hearts I have left in the wake of all my reckless actions, including my own, and his, I wish they could all forgive me but if I was given another chance at this, the only thing i would have done differently was tell him sooner. But as it is, maybe i wouldnt either. Maybe I was a coward. I would have told him in a heartbeat, if I had loved him less. It is frustrating to read this, I know. So can you imagine how much more frustrating it is to feel?
Sigh, but in the midst of explaining this whole thing to my parents, I told dragon that if anything, this is a learning experience. I never thought it myself until I articulated it to him. Frenchie himself told me one time, that if one day I decide to not be in love with him, then he would just be my stepping stone to another phase in life (or something like that). Me, I dont see it like this. No matter what happens, he will always be a part of me. It's so cliched but it's true. More and more I am seeing now that the world is grey and not black and white like I always hoped it would be. It is grey, and so am i. As a person I cannot be described in words, nor segmented by the ages I have lived. I am a melting pot of every person I have known, of places I have been, of feelings I have felt and the circumstances I felt them in, of my strengths and weaknesses, the number of times I have been lost and how I have been found again, and a billion other things. And this will always be a part of me no matter where I go. That I have loved like this. I truly have loved and this is one thing I will be proud of myself for. Even if I was childish and impulsive and did things the wrong way. The feeling wasnt false or misplaced. I actually was capable of it, like i always wanted myself to be. This is one thing I have learnt from this.
The difference between him and I in this whole thing is that, I cruelly forgive myself for the people I have hurt. But he doesnt. I got frustrated with his compassion because i thought it would have been much easier if he didnt possess so much of it. But I love him for it too. I love everything I know about him. This has made me immediately more understanding all of a sudden. Forced to be. If I cant be understanding towards him then all my love is a sham isnt it. So I must be.
Another thing I learnt was that (actually I'm still in the process of learning) I have a choice always. And that to make the right choice I have to learn to be a woman. (Oh, this bothersome word when I am actually a man ugh) Like, for example, many times I have caught my conscious telling myself I have a choice to be jealous or to trust and not be jealous. Well, even if i dont trust, I still have the choice to not be jealous. So I will not be jealous. Jealousy is not a womanly emotion. It is not manly either. It is nothing but shit emotion and I hate it. So I will always choose to not be jealous.
List of choices:
Jealousy vs Non-jealousy
Happiness vs Misery (about my daily life without him breathing the same air as I am)
Optimism vs Pessimism (about our future)
Love vs Hate (about his mom and a certain someone)
Understanding vs Wilfulness ( about my being a woman)
Discipline vs Neediness (I'm still trying to come to terms with this one
Believe me, everyday I am trying to make the right choices. It truly isnt easy. Truthfully, I have never been challenged so much in my life before. Every obstacle that I am facing, I see as a test, to me. And every time I see one of these, I know I have what it takes okay, so all there is to do is prove it. I am so strong. I have never been stronger but I can be. ( I am strong enough to even let this go if I need to, if he wants it. It will not be what I want, but I know i can do it and it blows me away to admit that I have that strength.)
In a few years I will learn all of it. I will try my hardest academically. And when I finally learn how to drive (in a manner that dragon trusts) and be a bit more independent about not getting lost, then I will work my ass off too and try to be the best vet I can be when I graduate. And on top of all this I will learn how to be a human being that is super ready to live. I will be so strong and so good. I will be so proud of me. And if possible, I want to give that me to him. The me I gave the last time wasnt so good.
♥ Tuesday, 17 November 2015
I know you think i can never hope to comprehend what yours and her lives are like, what her experiences are, why she has the low confidence and why she is depressed, or why you must protect her; you think i cant comprehend all that because you think that everyone loves me and likes me and i am the damn adorable, so you say, and i never had to face any of this low confidence thing.
But from when i was very young, basilisk has always taught me to take a problem and deal with it. I told you before, when i was a kid i used to want to vomit when i cry, and basilisk would glare at me and tell me she hates it when people want to vomit when they cry. Let me tell you right now I really appreciate it because how unsexy it would be to vomit when you cry. You dont fucking cry when you fall down. You dont fucking feel sorry for yourself when people dont like you. You just dont. Dont expect people to do things for you also. Dont expect people to cover your ass, or comfort you. This is how you learn strength, just depend always on yourself and always love yourself more than anyone can ever love you. What better gift can a parent give a child but self-love. Only when you love yourself can you have any right to love someone else, because that love would be without motive, you love them for them, need them not because youre a broken person.
Whenever I'm being a brat at home, Dragon would just lecture me and then he'd say, "以后等你出去社会，看别人怎么教训你“ 。it means when you go out to society next time, see how other people punish you. woah, damn grating those words were. i just want to punch him and tell him i hate 社会 but now i really want to use those words on her also. maybe on you also. if she doesnt learn to stand on your own two feet then nobody can help her right. you also.
You say your love makes me soar (sore :). Yea you force me to be more understand even though everything is beyond my comprehension. I dont comprehend the concept of forever, or how lying to someone to preserve the facade of love is justified but somehow somehow somehow i must because all i want is you, will you stay with me, hold me in your arms and sway me like the sea. if you were the floor, i'd wanna be a rug, if you were a kiss, i know i'd be a hug. This is all so pointless. If my kids are like this let me just tell you that i will wallop them until they fucking grow a backbone and do what's right and stop telling me the world is so fucking relative. You have problems, you overcome them. You're sick, get medication. If you have no other way out in life, then be the best you can be and confess all your sins and apologize for all of them.
I sometimes wonder if we shouldnt have told each other. I shouldnt have let you know, should have waited until you understood everything by yourself and want me of your own accord, instead of me chiding and trying to work things out for you and worrying and everything. I never wondered about if I would ever tire of you. I tire of this, yes, but i am not tired of you. But i wondered about this though. If maybe it wouldnt be better if you found the strength by yourself, that, even if it seems like a hopeless situation, without knowing i loved you back, you would find me, and love me like that. if it had been like this do you think we would have known only when we were 60 or what
♥ Thursday, 22 October 2015
I havent discussed this ever on here but the thing is, I discovered how to masturbate, like, a year ago. I think it's because I'm living alone now, or something. It's a combination of boredom, and stress-relief, and space for... "creative expression" (ya ya ya, it's just simply there isnt the presence of cockblock dragon). But today I'm not going to talk about "the joys of masturbation" (omg everything is damn awkward to say, but i must say it is truly good stress relief actually. used to be.)
Today I'm going to talk about quitting it. It used to be that I could just use porn, like, it was a detached kind of... primal want? Like, i must give my body what it craves kind of thing. After that I feel calmer. (all this is so awkward to say) Anyway my point is that it was a detached thing. Almost like it was just an activity, like exercise (which i never do). But today i realised I cant do this any more. I wanted to cum but i just couldnt make myself watch porn any more. Sex has become so tied to him. My every fantasy, ever carnal want, it was all him him him. And more and more I have these deep seated trust issues about everything he says to me. And... I think... the saddest saddest thing happened to me two days ago. I lost faith in us. I know not how to work it all out. I find no reason to blame myself but I blame myself any way. I blame myself for... not being born in the right country. I feel guilty even for being happy and being able to talk to people. Blame myself for not understanding the confidence issues thing ( i feel indignant about people with confidence issues, I really dont get why they must have them. Why do people think they're not worth it? Or not good enough, why, it hurts me that ANYONE would think like that. ). To sum it up, I just lost faith in us. I have deep trust issues with him now. I cant watch porn any more, it's like watching a tragedy, like what we could be, what i thought we could be. When they smile in porn I just feel so damn sad. Who the fuck cries when they watch porn?
I want a pat on the head but I cannot. I want to understand but I cannot. I want to love fully and boldly and nebulously but I cannot. I want to feel lips turn into a smile mid kiss but I cannot. Because I dont want them from anybody else but him.
But I dont trust him any more and I am so scared. :( I am capable of so much love and once again I am not allowed to give.
So now I really want to think that he's not meant to be mine anyway. I want to believe in the parallel universe because there is just too many contradictions and frustration for me to believe any more. It's not my fault... It's not my fault. I lost faith in you, just can't believe any more
Sigh. Four hours later and I realised. Who says I'm not waiting for you? I am waiting for you. I am waiting for when you find great courage.
♥ Monday, 12 October 2015
i found some terrible things i wrote in my diary. Here's one of them.
Opening the door to let me in
Brushing the hair from my face
Holding my hand as we cross the street
Gathering me into an embrace.
Carrying me and plopping me down into the chair
Eating lunch on the bed, bodies totally bare.
Blowing up the first condom I've ever held
Into a big balloon and making me laugh.
Asking if I'd like some chocolates from the fridge
Feeding it to me after breaking it in half.
But it was already set on the day we met.
Me making you cookies, you eating them.
Me giving you kisses, you drinking them.
Being held by you, leaving tear stains on your neck.
Demanding your love, yet unable to love you back.
They were how I betrayed you.
When I was a kid, Basilisk bought this encyclopaedia set for me and it came with this huge collection of South East Asian folklores.
There was this one story from the Philippines, of this village princess who was born with a star on her forehead. It was soon realised that she was born without a heart and the only thing that was keeping her alive was that star that sparkled brighter than any star in the sky ( that's how the story goes). So when she was of a marriageable age her dad wanted her to wed but she rejected all the suitors because she has never been able to love. One day her dad tried to talk to her to make her take a suitor because if not the gods would not release rain onto the land and the people would starve (that's the story okay) but because she had no heart she felt no pity or empathy. So in a fit of anger her dad struck her to the ground, right in the middle of her forehead. The star shattered into a thousand little pieces as she lay lifeless on the ground. Then he cried at how foolish he had been, her parents cried but they were unable to bring her back to life again.
I read this book many times. But this story in particular (and a few others) have always remained with me. I was taken with this inability to love and I revisited this story many times in my head because I dont have anything else in my life that explicitly referred to the inability to love. I thought I should be struck down sometimes. When I was a kid I always just thought this stupid princess should just do whatever her dad asked right, even if she was unable to feel empathy then at least feel irritated when he kept pestering her. And I always thought I would be the most pragmatic person growing up. Well. Guess not.
♥ Tuesday, 6 October 2015
You say you've lost your faith. I will never say that to you but maybe you and I need to drift apart slowly. I dont understand why distance is the biggest thing to you. I really dont understand. But it doesnt even matter any more. Because you've lost faith in us. There is nothing more I can do. You dont love me any more. I am crazy enough to run to you now and tell you I love you. But I cannot because of her and so I must control myself. Your love is not bold. I wish it was. But it isnt. And now it is nonexistent. Somehow I feel like I deserved this. Dont know why.
♥ Monday, 5 October 2015
Finally you understand
Finally I understand
How long more as we settle into this understanding
This numbness of acceptance
And as my heart bursts flood after flood of tears
As your heart breaks a little deeper
And I can only whimper, it hurts
I used to think you were being unreasonable
You used to get angry at me because you thought i was too
But now I've understood
Now you too, understand
How wretched we are
It hurts, it hurts not good
But you love me and I love you
I dont want revenge
I dont want to be angry
All I want
Is to love you
And for you to love only me.
Hey Onion. Stop cutting yourself.
I love you so much
That you have not broken me
Had I loved you less
I would have become a different she.
♥ Saturday, 19 September 2015
Last night you said we weren't in a relationship. I'd tried to coax you out of your irritation and mild anger and insecurity and all that and i wanted to make things fine between us again because i really like you when you're being super sweet. I dont want you to be upset, but I guess I cant guard my emotions as I care to guard yours because I cried three times last night. Because you said we weren't in a relationship. Nothing anybody says can ever affect me the way the things you say affect me. Your words are my religion. But with you I find myself understanding more of the intricacies of the English language than anyone should ever need to. We are not in a relationship, but we are in love right? In my head I have numerous Venn diagrams of where and how words should fit in a sentence. I've never been good at probability ever, cant even calculate the simple sums in school without feeling like life is a mystery that's never going to be in my grasp, but now i find my head filled with the words "mutually exclusive" a lot of times. If A then B.
You and I. Why would we not have a relationship. Even mere fungi have relationships with other living things in their ecosystem. Can I just put it out there once and for all you're emotionally cheating on her. This is the truth. I know it's more complicated than just ending it, I know I know. You're asking a lot from me. I know. I accept this. But... I cant help it. When we are together I will resent you for putting me through this. I know it's unfair to you but that's how it is. I'll demand unreasonable sacrifices and feel justified in my demands. I will quarrel with you and cry and expect you to pick me up after. I will do every possible childish thing in the book and expect you to not be angry and still love me after. I know this is unhealthy but this is probably what is going to happen. You and her together tortures my head, it makes me want to flirt with other people to get back at you, lose my virginity to them even, when i get angry enough, but I keep stopping myself because I know i would regret it, my heart belongs only with you, but every time i stop myself a part of me is... it feels so defeated. WHAT CAN I DO TO GET BACK AT YOU. Tell me. I want to feel better.
What I'm trying to say is, I love you. But it's not I love you so i will shut the fuck up and stop bothering you with these torturous thoughts and leave you to be happy and carefree. I love you- it's- you- are the true north of my heart, nothing I can do to change that, but I want I want I want, I want you whole. I said before that I would be okay with polyamori BUT YOU WERE RIGHT IT DOES NOT WORK. I hate that you love her. My little brain likes squeezing in thoughts about you spending nights with her. The sweeter you are to me the more I wonder about if you're the same way with her. It haunts me. MY love is strong but I am weak, do you understand?
All I ask is for you to see my suffering. Stop hurting me, I love you so much.
♥ Sunday, 13 September 2015
Today i called Minquan and Giang to tell them how much I love Frenchie. Minquan first (who was struggling to get away because he stayed up all night to watch the Singapore elections and then he was trying to go to sleep but i just kept bugging him about listening to me) and then Giang (who was struggling to get away because she was hungry).
I'm really really really truly in love with frenchie. I think everything that i did before, all those stupid things i did, i did because i couldnt have what i wanted. i was so confused and conflicted and broken and sad. I dont know what i would do if he didnt like me back. Continue doing these stupid things and being with someone i tried to love because he loves me? Sigh. Last week was a big big big big mess i never want to repeat ever again in my life. If i fail with frenchie i dont know where I will go, a nunnery? These are all very childish words i know, but i- honestly- there is no one else i want to be with. No one in the whole wide world i would truly love this intensely. I tried. I tried very hard, mistakenly, i tried to deny these feelings. i tried to make things work with belgium. i wanted to love him because he loved me so, i can feel it, for all my lying cheating deceiving ways, i did feel his love, and i tried very very hard, i wanted myself to love him back. i've told him more than once, i wished i loved you back. and when those words became old i changed them to "i love you" because what better way to convince yourself of the same right? I was wrong. i am in the wrong. but i refuse to apologise to him because i feel like... like sorry would be the worst thing to say to him. Not because i dont feel sorry. i feel so sorry that i wish i can compensate for it with my life, but i cant... because i belong to frenchie...
If only feelings and logic came from two different places, i could blame my heart for malfunctioning but all of this deviancy has been the work of my brain alone. Brain, you're a terrible terrible creature, you've made me suffer so much, do you know that. SIGH.
Good people should not be harmed like that, not like how i harmed Belgium. I told him... sigh. Maybe I'm not stable enough to be writing this but i want to write this. i want to confess everything. i told him we should have kids and he didnt want any at first but then he loved me enough to agree and promise we will have a pair of twin baby girls one day. he loved me enough to tell his mom about me, and his best friend, and everybody. he loved me enough to send me naked pictures even though i think he was insecure about his body. he loved me enough to show me jellyfishies when he was working. most of all, he loved me enough for me to call him at 3am to cry about being confused about frenchie. i guess when you love someone a lot there isnt anything such as alarm bells ringing in your head. he loved me, oh why, he should never have given me a second glance, he should never have given me his goodness, because all i did in the end was betray him and his goodness. everything i did to everyone else doesnt matter to me now because they're all bad people any way, like, who cares. But him- him i dont want to hurt. Sigh. Now i'm trying to atone for it. i'm trying to get him to be friends with me again. And of course, i will never tell him about my (in my opinion inconsequential) other transgressions. I think me being in love with frenchie all along is a terrible ( the most terrible) betrayal in itself.
Urgh, now i cannot talk about frenchie or i will feel guilty. i shall stop writing here. the guilt is too much.
♥ Tuesday, 1 September 2015
i said i'm never speaking to frenchie ever again but i just did, yesterday and today. it is healing. we are friends now. i feel balanced. i dont know if we are faking this but i dont think so. it's like. finally all the secrets have spilled out. there's nothing to hide any more. and in the end we are as plain with each other as... i dont know, solid white concrete. it feels natural. it feels like the weather i so adore in singapore, after a heavy rain in the afternoon, and it becomes all breezy and balmy and fresh and clean. i sing songs softly to myself on my way home walking on the little kerb trying o balance (this is dangerous so dont do it because stop thinking you romantic. i always know it's dangerous like what if i fall and a car speeds past but i love how it feels. people who dont know how it feels dont even try- dangerous)
he says one day double date. me and him and tima and belgium. i said to put gwen stefani's song in the background.
And after all the obstacles It's good to see you now with someone else And it's such a miracle that you and me are still good friends After all that we've been through I know we're cool AndI'll be happy for yoU If you can be happy for me Circles and triangles, and now we're hangin' out with your new girlfriend So far from where we've been I know we're cool
maybe it's just... me. but this all seems too good to be true. and i know even if belgium and i have nice things like intimacy and chemistry... i dont know. mostly if it all fails it owuld be my fault. i just know. sigh but whatever. people who dont love each other have babies anyway and they're surviving just fine in this world. at least we both have humour and slightly nicer things. i dont know.
i want to see fifty year old me judge this post.
also, this is selfish but i just thought today how much i wished this whole saga didnt happen to me but happened to minquan or yifeng or yiting or kangli or giang or whoever instead so i could learn from it without being hurt myself. so selfish of me. but yea, right now i cant see what ive learnt at all. it's all a blur. i'm slowly recovering but... i dont know anything.
i never thought i would be like the guy on humansofnewyork admitting to a stranger that he doesnt love his wife and his wife knows that too. relationships seriously are so much more than just love. it's more than even just love and intimacy. it's also gratitude, and guilt. they are an art in themselves seriously. i envy my parents so much. MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE THEY ARE CHINESE. ALL THESE WHITE MALES. FUCKING UP MY LIFE. ASSHOLE EUROPEANS.
♥ Monday, 11 May 2015
This is a terrible post. Please don't read it. It's probably fictional. Seriously, it's not good for you to read this. I just put this up for the unrelated russians and ukrainians who visit this blog but never leave a comment. I just needed to tell someone. Preferably people who arent related to me. So if you're either mummy or daddy, or in that orgy circle please just do me a favour and stop reading. it's not... something you need to know. i am okay now, i just needed to write this. i cant live properly without writing this.
You said you wanted an honest letter. I wrote you letters. And then i sent them to that poor guy in prison because I couldnt send them to you. I sent it to him and he hasn't replied. I dont think he wants to be my friend any more. He probably thinks i am insane and it might be better to stay in jail.
I wrote... Every drop of blood in my heart to you. I'm so messed up right now because... because of you, because of me, because i felt too much for you. i must be crazy but I just knew knew knew, i thought i knew it as definitively like i knew the taste of an egg, or the tang of a green apple, i knew it like that, i knew i was going to be with you. Sure you're with her now, but you dont really like her, do you? I accept that, maybe you need sex.
I asked you why and you said it's because there's a warm body to hold in bed at night.
That word glares down at my twenty year old self, what is intimacy?
I think that was when I started feeling this void... It's so easy to mistake it as a kind of neediness, i did, initially, but now that i have been thoroughly torn down by... my own stupidity, i realise now that it wasnt a neediness, i didnt need someone to love me, all i wanted, all i ever wanted, truly, was to know what was going through your head. So i decided to hurt myself. "Anthropology", i called it, how silly of me. It's not the study of what it was to be human that i was trying to find out, it was you i was trying to understand. Giang told me that i could do whatever stupid shit i wanted, just dont blame it on... gosh, what am i supposed to call you now? A frenchie is a french kiss. More like a slap now... Giang told me not to blame it on you, or because of you, i couldnt help it, so i called it fuckin anthropology, how worldly of me.
So I had this thing with Belgium, is this what intimacy is? Can I just admit that I was the one who started crying first, but it was relief at... almost coming close to knowing. He cried because he wouldn't see me again. I told him i was crying for the same reason because i didnt know how to tell him about you then. And then the very next day I told him about you. You said you shouldnt have felt jealous about it but you did, and I know i avoided a proper response, but what i'd wanted to say then was you shouldnt be jealous because i did this for you. In a very messed up way, you owned me like that. It just was. It wasnt something i really minded, it was just a fact, like my mom is my mom, i loved you because i did. Sometimes it was painful, sometimes it was nice in an ironic way, most of the time it was a fact. I knew i belonged to you. If you're reading this, you're probably thinking I'm a psychopath already. I'm sorry, but you study film, you should know that there is an inexplicable depth to emotions, even if you never thought i was capable of this much. But i was, and i really dont think she does. She might have the right temperature, and she might open your world, but she will never bleed the same way. She was to you, i thought, like Belgium was to me, to a T. These two, they do not bleed the same way we do. I thought.
Do you love her?
So, every evening and all weekend huh.
Every evening and
All weekend you spend with her
I am here crying.
You know what else I did? I met a guy who looked like you, and he was doing his phd in adelaide or something, on how indiginous peoples use psychedelic drugs to treat drug addictions. he was telling me all about his many different drug trips, how he was a spoke in a ferris wheel in one, and a number on a calculator on another. So many different kinds of drugs he tried. He was a fascinating character but everyone is a fascinating character at 3am. We trespassed on a ferry that was unlocked, this was at the fremantle port where ferrys docked. All the fish and chips shops were closed. It was literally the dead of the night. We found a place that was open at 4am and i had hot chocolate and then he drove me back and it was 5am and he told me he had a girlfriend. He told me he cheated on her six months into their relationship. Something just snapped in me, he was you, his girlfriend was tima, boring and nice and boring, i was me. i kissed him until he was convinced to come back to my room. i said he couldnt drive back at 5am with no sleep, which was partially true, but mostly it was because he was you, his girlfriend was tima, i was me. i made him cum twice and he is as gross as you are because i spat the cum back in his mouth and he was only half repulsed by it. The next day i sent him away and i was supposed to meet him on friday but i didnt in the end, i stopped myself. Because he is not you. What was I thinking, he is not you, and i am effectively cheating on Belgium. You know what, I keep telling him i love him because i assume that's what you're telling tima, even though i know you dont really love her. I can imagine your face right now, if you're reading this. I'm sure you're angry as hell. I know you'll say stop your nonsense and stop blaming it on me, or stop feeling anything for me stop trying to hurt yourself are you stupid or what, siao. Something like that.
I never thought i would do these things, i thought... well i thought nothing. i'm just a silly silly wrong girl. just someone you've never even met. i shouldnt, but because of how intensely i feel for you, you never feel enough. like, you and me, like this, it's not enough, it has almost become like i need to hurt you back even though i never want to hurt you. do you understand? well neither do i. i havent understood anything ever since i understood that i was in love with you. is it your fault? i know you never wanted this to happen, and if you knew this was going to be you'd have stopped even being friends with me. You think just because you're jealous that one time, you think because i love animals, that you're the one hurting from this and that you can deal with it. i know you're logical, you're the one making the best of us, and i'm the one making the worst of it. i know you dont want me to give up my life for you, and i want you to be happy too, but i am angry because i know you're not truly happy with her, like he wasnt happy with the girlfriend he cheated on, but "our lives are so intertwined" and he just doesnt want to get out of the relationship because it would hurt her. And also because of sandwiches. Intimacy.
But intimacy is not love. I want to scream this at you.
i dont understand why you'd go to paris with her, but not see me, not even once. A little part of my heart is always saying Please? to you... Why? Oh god why.
You told me last year to go date someone. I gleefully thought you wanted me to be happy, i'm sure you do. But now it just sounds like you want me to love someone else, when all i've ever loved is you. For the life of me, i dont know why either, i dont know why. I was quite sure if we could make a life together, i couldnt live with you, and we would get angry at each other every day probably, but i'm a pessimist to begin with, and yet still i couldnt help... devoting myself to you.
if i had to trace it back, i think it really started when we watched Rosemary's baby together. And then Psycho. You told me about your mom. Your brothers who are crazy, your sister. You started being real to me. You knew about mine too. You knew when i made currypuffs. You knew how wonderfully ridiculous the people in school were, how much i loved yiting and giang and everyone i loved at all. i never wanted anything from you, really. i dont think i even expected to meet you all that much. sometimes i was irritated at you but still i loved you. i loved you like family really. it is odd of me.
i miss that nice little window of time after a levels when i thought i wasnt in love with you, and that i was just happy knowing you exist in this world. i loved being that little secret you carried around everyday, periodically telling you one piece of nonsense after another in my life, i missed that, that's why i befriended the crossdresser, just so i could have something ridiculous to tell you about. it is not good. he almost raped me and he told me he loved me which was obviously not true. this is just another crazy thing i did. but i see now that i am so so so... i did them for you, why, why why why why.
i say males are ridiculous, the way they fall in love immediately, like they live to feel like masters of the universe, even if it's just one person's. i say they are so easily manipulated. not once have i ever thought this way about you. you're ridiculous but ive never looked at you like you're ridiculous like that, because i was the same way for you, i've just never told you before. because if i did things would change between us, i wanted to stfu and hurt alone until the day you decide to liberate me, and grant me that constant throbbing Please in my heart.
Am i wrong? Am i right? It just is, it just is.
But i have to stop myself now. I have to stop myself because i think i might be starting to hate you. And myself, i hate myself. Satan would hate me too because i am stupid.
Belgium is a good honest person who never once thought i would cruelly break his heart and smash it like it is worthless. Or maybe he did but he doesnt want to hurt mine even if i hurt his. I must not hurt his. The way you hurt me, and worse because if i did hurt his it would have been intentional.
The same way i couldnt help it when i fell in love with you, i cant help feeling like i am just mere acquaintances with you now. Good day to you and all, stranger who plays billiards. Strange how i decided on this, but i will not be with you. I am tempted to say i will not even try to meet you, not even once, not ever in my life, but that's because i'm hurt right now. Maybe when all of this dissipates and i feel absolutely nothing for you, i will see you one day, smile plastered on my face, unable to be truly happy for you at your wedding. Also, she will attend your lectures when you do become a professor,hey? I dont think i have the strength to do it any more. I want you to be happy, i truly do even though i am angry and hurt, but i also believe that you're not trying hard enough to be truly happy, and i dont want to tell you what to do any more. you dont belong to me. and i... i shall try to stop belonging to you. stupid stupid me.
♥ Wednesday, 4 February 2015
It's almost 5am and I havent slept at all. You know what 5am does to you. 5am can either fuck you up real bad with a sleep-deprived cold and real shitty skin and really bad breath, or 5am makes you cry and realise that there's so much in life that you have ( too much! *wail*) or too much that you don't have, the hundreds of lives you haven't led.
I know I havent written in a long long long long time. I've written a bit in my diary, but none too introspective. It wasnt until Kangli posted a something on FB about journaling that i realised i had to write again, and i realised why i wasnt.
" Pull yourself back from impossible escape.
Words on paper,
Admit to the life you raped."
Ha, this just came to me when i was reading the stuffs she wrote. It's words more for me than for her. I was trying to escape a confession. Life... Life has been impossible for me to admit. How do I put this. I'm not unhappy. It's just... You know how, before you publish a paper you obsess over getting it peer reviewed to bits, till every letter is backed up by a solid something you can hold in the central chamber of your brain? And nothing in my life has been... real or certain or believable or understood for me. Almost every major event feels like standing on tiptoes on the precipice of an iceberg barefooted, ready to tip over any second and be lost to my grasp forever. It could mean anything from an truthfully losing it, or insanity on my part.
At the risk of saying things I probably shouldnt say, I shall confess some things. I dont even confess them to myself when I'm going to sleep, or when I'm in the shower, and these are the two given nestling grounds for my deepest thoughts and I might lose them forever. I'm just... so afraid of them. It's a funny thing to say but I am. If not semi-consciously, then consciously now, I shall turn them over in my head, roll them over word after word after word.
I'm scared vet school will destroy the people around me. Wow. This... this was hard to write. I'm probably already destroying my parents financially right now, but this isnt the end of it. Vet school is going to take me away from... now. From people, real human beings, who need me. And it was only this break that i realised that... maybe I wasnt... always there when yiting needed me. She doesnt even know it, but i would have known had i spoken to her more, I would know when I was needed, and sometimes all she might have needed was a phone call, and I... I didnt call her when she needed me to. I'm also scared of... I'm scared of being happy, at least about vet school. What if... I really love what I do, how will I face Yiting and Minquan, whom I love, but who perhaps dont know where they are going with their lives? And then again, what if i really suckat what I do? It's too important for me not to have these petty insecurities (that you just want to slap out of me, I know). Vet school... oh vet school, the studying part is the least of my tangible concerns, and I never thought I'd ever say that.
I'm scared that... we can't be the same any more because we are starting to have feelings for each other, and... what we have is too... precious, at least it is to me. Urgh, why did we have to have feelings. I don't want feelings. Feelings complicate things. Far worse than complicate, feelings destroy things. But I will never let this be destroyed. Never. We live in the motherfucking 21st century, plenty of literature to get through this, fiction or non-fiction, if all else fails, airplanes. And if that fails too, I shall walk, I shall walk there. But not now, plan A: literature.
Truthfully speaking though, that time I did that something, I had no intentions of making him jealous. All i really wanted... was to know what it could possibly be like. I don't regret anything, although when I try to turn this whole thing around in my head, I think my neurones defy logic and that they must synapse unconventionally. It's... all messy now. I know sooner or later I'll have to fix it. But... the choice of later is much easier than sooner and argh. I don't want to think about it.
All I want, really, is what my parents have. But why do I feel like I'm being incredibly selfish to want to pull someone into it with me? We should both be happy shouldn't we, 1 you:1 her and 1 me: 1 him ratio. It is incredibly selfish of me to want you. All that I love, I want to be free, even from me.
I have a concept of love, but I don't think... when the time comes, that I am capable of carrying it out.
♥ Saturday, 13 September 2014
I panicked for a bit when i was unable to log on just now. I forgot the email i used, the password, and when i stopped writing. Why did I stop writing? I loved writing. I wrote everything everywhere. I'd write rhyme after rhyme of nonsense and chuck them at minquan and yiting, or I'd write about yifeng to warn the world of a dangerous mutant. i wrote my soul down in prose, bled my heart into many concise words and when I still haven't had enough of it, I'd come here and tell the world about it so that we might marvel at a mutation of human thought. But I stopped. I stopped for so long because I was... terrified.
Writing rips out a piece of you and puts it on a page, blood, bones, everything. It's become... something that I'm ashamed of now. I'm terrified of failure- and I shouldn't be. But I've wanted this since I was 5 and it's changing me as a person. I was a rebel- always was. But why am I s terrified now. I'm terrified of relationships. I'm terrified of people telling me they are starting to fall for me. I'm terrified of new experiences I'm terrified of being happy. What the hell is this? I think I am in love, but sometimes I dont even know if I am simply because it's impossible, that's why I think it's safe.
I dont know what else I can possibly write. This didn't make me feel better writing. And it's a first.
♥ Wednesday, 23 July 2014
I love my solitude. But some days can be so much easier if I had any one of you with me. Crying is emotional masturbation. It is some kind of emotional hedonism. What do you have to cry about you lucky son of a gun? But sometimes I just wish that my 2am nights could be shared, and that conversations could still pursue topics of uncertainty. It's kind of ironic really, that the longer the time we spend here on earth, the more certain we are of the lives we've always wondered about, and then so much less confident of the solidity of each day. Where we used to pass each day as sure as our existence as concrete is of glass, it now seems like this certainty has diminished in all of us. I see this in yiting and minquan and yifeng and myself. And I see kangli in the same shade of emotions as myself. Like, you know outwardly it seems as if we know what the hell we are doing, and the direction we are heading towards, but I find everything I'm doing incredibly hard to believe. Am I really doing this? Can I really do this? There could be a billion arrows pointing positive and I'd just look into the mirror of my soul and refuse to believe them all. When we were doing K.I. and Huang said this is when we might start to distrust the existence of the world, honestly I did go through a period of that. The brain in a vat, matrix thingy. But now, more than ever, that doubt is just intensifying.
Maybe we are all just not ready to, you know, live our lives yet. So life just slams the reality in our faces everyday rudely. Sigh. One day we are all going to have the freedom to buy the air ticket with our own money and fly to londy to visit his kids isn't that scary.
♥ Sunday, 22 June 2014
I'm back in Singapore. Today is day three.
It's really weird how the direction of your flight affects your mood. If I'd been flying to Australia, alone for the first time, I would have been terrified, unsure and yet resolute. But this time because I was flying home, I was... it felt experimental. I wondered how I would feel. I felt relaxed though. Most of the time I just felt tired. I felt like this flight truly deserved to cost only $200 if you somehow associate the amount of emotions I had with the cost of the flight- very little. In the end when I landed and met my parents I felt a very natural sort of happy. The chatterbox happy. The I'm still somebody's kid happy. Then I came home and met Annie and Moo and I wanted to cry because it all felt so familiar and I wondered for the briefest of seconds why I even left when all I could have ever asked for was here. In the smell of varnished wood, lemongrass and Moo's hair.
For the first day I contented myself with lazing about and watching shitty shows on dragon's internet tv thingy and being amused by the cameras installed at home to observe our every move, and having minquan over and talking about nothing in general. It was lazy, hot and humid.
The second day was pretty much the same. I ticked some food I wanted to eat off the list.
And here we are at the third day. And it was pretty much the same. I couldn't take it. I needed to get out of the house. I wanted to do something, anything, anything different from repeating. I wanted to play badminton, dragon said it was too hot and nobody wanted to play with me . I wanted to swim, also not allowed. I thought about the things I could possibly do or wanted to do and I couldnt think of anything. I dont want to go shopping actually. It's so pointless. So many shops selling the same thing. I wanted to buy yifeng's present but i still dont know what to buy for him and i wanted to be with my parents but... I dont really know how to articulate what the problem is, but it is the acute absence of this problem that made me feel free in Aussie. I felt like I was my own person and that I could do whatever I wanted and even if i was alone and lonely, I was to blame and that was a valid and real reason, a logical explanation. This- I dont know what this is. What is this? I dont want to coop myself in the room and read and study (yes, study) but that's what I did in the end and I just feel like crying. I need to be with Moo but I'm not and I just can't. What is wrong with me. I still love Minquan and Yifeng and Yiting and Giang, like, I think they're still the same and even though Yiting and Minquan make stupid choices and Yifeng thinks he is very smart, they're still the same. And it was all I've ever asked of them. But everyoe else has changed. I dont even like Kangli very much anymore even though I still love her. Huizhen and everybody else too. Thing is, I think I'm already tired of this. I don't like to be here anymore. As a whole Singapore is not as shitty a place as Perth, but Singapore is where everything I've ever known is. And i remember acutely why I want to leave. The real reason, of course, is because to do what I want to do. But part of the reason is because everyone makes me feel uncomfortable. People in Aussie make me feel uncomfortable too, but refuge comes with solitude. I can't have guilt-free solitude here. How can it be that I go through 20 years of my life noisy and then discover that there is no greater joy than the voice in my head.
♥ Thursday, 1 May 2014
Okay, so here in this country I have learnt that I feel ashamed to have a maid. Even just typing these words out make me feel horrible. The first time I felt like bad about it was when I was telling frenchie about how badass annie is and he said, "why do you keep calling her your maid? She's just annie". But she's not Annie...
Today we had to do this impromptu one minute presentaion about ourselves, and it can be about anything and i was going to talk about my gap year but then when i was drafting it and it stretched an entire page with all the aunties fighting over moonsoo, about that (URGHGHGHNFGHNMV) Zany stalking me, about Urchin about the creepyass nastyass creepers at the science centre like Sweatfish and the creepy that Giang met too but whom we never gave a name to, and the SPCA and Law-rence and my driving lessons and how yiting had sex, so when i wnt up there i decided that this just wasn't going to work. I'm just going to tell them all about my life and I know at some point i will just digress into why I cannot accept any relationship and IT WOULD JUST BE TOO FUCKING PERSONAL BECAUSE thatkamalisthereanditoldgiangbeforethathehastheseeyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesandtheydrivemeabitcrayyyyyzaybutwhatcanido.
So i just talked about my family like everyone else. MEH. I just like, introduced them as Dragon and Basilisk and Fossil and Moo Moo and Annie and I explained each of their names, like Fossil because she is too old to function and Dragon because he is born in the year of the dragon and then i ended up digressing and explained basilisk's name origin and Moo moo because it looks like a kiss. And i... tsk... I hate myself. I introduced Annie as "our help". I really have no experience introducing Annie as comfortable with. In Singapore we just say, "my maid", "do you have a maid?" Like, it never even occurred to me that it has become so... it has become like nothing you know. Like, Annie isn't just "my maid". She isn't even Annie. She's Tea and the name origin goes like, Zeh then Teh then Tea. Annie is so many things to me. She was the one I always needed growing up. She was the one I told my secrets to and I've never really understood how some kids say, "My mom is my best friend, I tell her everything". Like, why? Your mom is going to judge you and punish you because you are her child and if you aren't on the path of the straight and narrow like she's always wanted you to be, then she's going to make you get your ass back there. Then you're going to be your mom even though you still want to think of yourself as you but no. Annie doesn't judge me. I don't judge her. It's only ever going to be like this forever. She was the reason I had space to grow. She was my only friend when I ran out of friends and she will always be dear to me even when I have a billion other friends. When I was younger she taught me things, she told me things about her life, how she ran away from her marriage, how her parents never wanted her. These perspectives, you won't know how invaluable these perspectives are. They are the reason why I am not like my parents, even though I'm not like Annie either. She's simpler and she just wants to do good and live happy. Me, I take the sufferings of the world upon myself which is supremely unhealthy but of which isnt a choice. And when I got older I taught Annie things too. Parts of myself I've pulled out of books and just reading and reading and learning and interpreting the good and bad of the world and just reading that part of me back to her. I told her to find her own life. To stop working as a maid and even though I wouldn't say I want her to leave, but I'd be happy to see her go and do something incredibe with her life, whether it's falling in love or finding herself.
I don't know how I could have possibly turned out if I didnt have Annie in my life. I'd probably be just like everyone else I guess. Whose most important life goal is to "be happy" which means to have cake whenever they want to eat it, which means having money to buy it whenever they want it, all the money in the world and then calling it "the simple pleasures in life". And the reason why I would probably turn out like this would be that everyone around me is like this. My parents are like this and even though I've grown up with the Indians who work for my mom, it isn't really the same and whenever I see them they kind of.... revere me? "Boss's daughter" they would say.
I think I have a complex. It's that I'm ashamed of having money. I hate things that remind me that the reason why I'm studying what I want to is because "dragon and basilisk can afford it". I feel the hairs on my arms stand when anyone mentions money. It's the reason why all my clothes are cheap as hell. I dont buy anything that costs more than $30 because I feel uncomfortable in it. I want to slap myself when my grocery bill is more than Rica's because she keeps saying she's on a budget. I hate when people look at me funny when I say I have Annie in my family and they'll say who's Annie and what can I say but my maid and then I feel very uncomfortable and then I stutter and I want to die.
It must be partially why I don't want any relationship. And not just this seven year celibacy vow thing, but i can see myself never having one ever because I am just so afraid of money. I'm never going to date anyone for rich, for sure, because I would hate his money and we would be forced to be like, " a power couple" kinda thing by his parents who will be in "shipping, mining, business, oil, import, export, dabbling in politics". I dont know how my parents would react if that ever happened. Would they revert to their old selves and congratulate me on being so "capable at finding a rich man" or would they understand me enough to know that I am unhappy even if this person is perfect for me (somehow...) I think I am only ever going to date people with no money and we will do the most ghetto things. None of that wine and dine shit. We're going to sit on a kerb and have spaghetti and ice cream from 7-11.
Sometimes I think about dating everyone so that they'll tell me their stories. Like, their entire story. Not where they've worked at during summer or the places they volunteer at and shit; not their fucking resume, but the whole of them. How they grew up, which parent they look like more, stuff. And also so that I can clarify myself. Uni is weird. I feel like I'm being misunderstood everywhere. Like, people still think I'm funny but they don't know the essence of who I am, just snippets, which (knowing me), can sound really wrong because I am made up of way more contradiction than average, but contradictions which, if pieced together, make perfect sense, more perfect than average. This I know.
I want to ask various people out on dates but I dont know where to go. Dates, like, not romantic dates, just like, fuck you, sit down, I want to talk to you. Various people whose names I dont even know in my ANS and BIO class (they're not all males). Why do I feel like that? Like I have to know them all? It's weird...
The only people I feel comfortable with are Theo, Samantha and Paul and Rica.
i think some of the phrases in my blogskin disgust even me.
have you seen the one that says "come on daddy?"
a phantasm is an illusion.philtres are love potions.phantasmagoria is a state of dreaming. those are my favourite words.
List of people to slap in 2012
Belvia here.i'm a bloody genius for adding the archives thing. now you can read the malicious posts i posted when we first set up this blog. and all those lame, pathetic self-arguments two no-life girl dorks posted back when they still had each other within 1cm radius of each other
if you want to post longer, heartfelt comments, please write to me.
i love too much